I'm a Doctor, not a List-Writer!
by FFcrazy15
Summary: Bones writes a list of all the things he is NOT, and hangs it outside of sickbay. Coming up: "Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a psychiatrist!" T, because Bones likes cursing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek (2009 or otherwise). I make no money off of this.

He scanned over the list once, twice, and then gave a nod. With an air of total and absolute satisfaction, he walked outside the sickbay and tacked the paper to the bulletin board outside, amongst the other announcements.

The paper would have gone unnoticed had not Christine Chapel wondered what on earth could have possibly made the doctor _whistle,_ and took a minute or two to step outside and look through the list herself.

Needless to say, by the end of the day, said list had been read by everyone on the ship.

_**Dr. Leonard McCoy is a DOCTOR, Not a:**_

_Psychiatrist_

_Counselor._

_Mother._

_Wingman._

_Hangover helper._

_Babysitter._

_Watering can._

_Party-planner._

_Political stand-in._

_Stand-in of any sort._

_Matchmaker._

_Personal trainer._

_Bowler._

_Ninja._

_And he is __not,__ by any means, a dancer._

_**AND DAMMIT JIM I MEAN IT!**_

Looking over the list, Jim couldn't help but chuckle. That was _friggin' hilarious._

Or at least, it was, until the crew started asking for stories.

**A/N: Hi! So this'll be a short list of one-shots describing all these things that Bones is not. Hope y'all like; first Star Trek fanfic ever!**


	2. Chapter 2 Psychiatrist

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek (2009 or otherwise). I make no money off of this.

"Wow."

Bones gave him a look. "That's all you have to say for yourself? Wow?"

Kirk considered this for a moment. "Wow, I'm a genius?"

Bones whacked him upside the head. "No you're not a genius, you're a downright idiot! And you've turned the last sober genius on this ship into a drunken lunatic! Why the hell did you give him chocolate?! How did you even get him to _eat _it?"

"Aw c'mon, Bones, it's a party; let him have a little fun!" He ginned that good-natured, little-boy grin that didn't fool his CMO at all. "Look, he's even stopped singing!"

"Thank goodness for that," McCoy grumbled. "Do you know what he was saying? It was all in Vulcan."

"No, but I'm _so_ asking Uhura later."

"Well when you know, make sure to tell m-" He stopped. "Speaking of Uhura, look." He tilted his head in the direction of the communications officer.

Spock walked briskly towards her, and everyone parted like a metaphorical Red Sea. He stopped directly in front of her and said in a voice loud enough for the entire crew to hear:

"Uhura, whose name means Freedom. 'She walks in beauty, like the night.'"

There were stifled laughs throughout the crew, but everyone hushed to see Uhura's reaction. To their surprise, she smiled. "I didn't know you read Byron."

Instead of smiling back, Spock looked troubled. "Forgive me, my love, I did not intend to use another's paltry words to commend your beauty." More stifled laughter rang out, before it was cut off quickly by his next words, spoken as he reached forward and gripped her hand, as if he were about to propose. "For she is as lovely as the silver moon that hangs in the heavens, a maiden of the fairest visage a man doth know."

By now, either half the crowd was either in silent shock or laughing. The laughter increased to hysterics and cheers of approval as he knelt down in front of her. "Yet even so lovely an outward form cannot compare to the internal beauty and goodness that resides in her heart."

Uhura's dark cheeks had by now gone a lovely shade of crimson, and she was biting her lip in an attempt not to smile. Still, she managed to get out a, "Spock. You're drunk. Extremely drunk."

"You do not believe me," Spock said, standing up again. "That is understandable. I will seek another method to prove my sentiments for you." He started to back away.

There was a loud, collective cry of "Look out!" that came half a second too late. Spock backed into the table holding the punch bowl, his height came into play, and… well, long story short, the end result was a very wet, very unconscious half-Vulcan.

Bones hurried over, repeating, "Give him room! Give him room!" He knelt down beside the KO'd first officer and quickly checked him over as Kirk ran up beside him. "No broken bones, but probably a mild concussion. Chapel, help me get him to sickbay."

The three of them, along with Uhura, managed to heft the unconscious officer up onto the shoulders of his male comrades, Uhura lending an extra hand and Chapel getting the doors.

As they left the room, Kirk glanced back to see everyone staring at them, wide-eyed. "Well go on!" he called. "This is a party! Don't let him be the only drunk one!" There was a general laugh as the doors slid shut.

They got him down to sickbay and laid him down on one of the biobeds. Kirk assured Uhura that Spock would be just fine with them, though she only left after he gave her a not-technically-an-order to go back to the party so McCoy could do his job.

As soon as she left (doors sliding shut to cover her worried expression), Kirk burst out laughing. Bones gave him a look. "It's not funny."

"Like hell it's not! C'mon, I can _see_ you about to smile."

Against his better judgment, the CMO broke into a half-smirk. "Okay, yeah, that was hilarious. Damn, I hope we have security cameras in that room. I want a tape of this; the hobgoblin'll never live it down!" He stood up.

"Shouldn't you be doing something, you know, doctor-y?"

"Not much 'doctor-y' stuff I can do, except give him a hypo for the headache when he wakes up." He whistled. "Mild concussion _and_ a hangover- probably his first. That'll be fun."

"I'll tell you, I totally did not see that coming. That stuff he said was gold; I'm totally using it one day! How the _hell_ did he come up with it?"

"Probably because he meant it, unlike you."

The captain gawped. "No way. You mean, he actually has _feelings_ for her? Like, seriously liking her? Do you think they're dating? What if they're serious? What if-"

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist! How the hell should I know how the computer feels? Now get out of my sickbay!"

"Aye aye, captain," Kirk muttered sarcastically, but he did as told. Just as he stepped outside, he said, "Hey Bones? We're never letting him forget this, are we?"

Bones full-out grinned this time. "Hell no."

Needless to say, Spock would never forget (or rather, his friends, Bones in particular, would never let him forget) the night that he 'couldn't hold his chocolate.'

**A/N: Not really with the 'psychiatrist' thing, but I thought it was all right. Review?**


End file.
